Last night I told Jim about a concern that I’ve had but really jumped out to me that afternoon. Nicole is a very loving little girl. I assume it’s because we’re very touchy-feely at home and greet those we meet with hugs that she sees it as perfectly normal to greet her friends with a hug. The problem is that there are a lot of other kids who aren’t like her in this capacity. For example, Nicole adores her cousin Ryann and will often try to hug her, hold her hand, etc. Ryann will often hold her hand and walk with her but is not initially inclined to hug Nicole upon first seeing her. Ryann really likes Nicole – she says her name and they play together really well. She’s just doesn’t find the need to hug Nicole as frequently as Nicole wants to hug her.
This weekend that was also the case for our friends’ daughter, Julia (2 years), who wanted nothing to do with Nicole physically though they were pretty content playing next to one another. I was really happy (though maybe they were cringing inside) that Kendall and Lisa let Nicole love on Max. She hugged him, kissed him, and tried to say his name. While other parents might shy away from letting their 7-week old have so much physical interaction (germs and all, I know), they didn’t tell Nicole to stop and as a result she was very happy telling me “baby Max kdajfdo akfkdfj” (stuff I didn’t understand after his name) well after he left for the night.
When I went to visit Nicole at daycare yesterday one of the other kids, a 5 year old boy named Cameron, was sitting and watching a DVD on a portable player on his lap. This is certainly not the first time Nicole has gone to him, gently stroked his arm and said “hi Cameron”; he totally ignores her. After several times repeating, I had to sharply say “Cameron, Nicole is talking to you” at which point he acknowledged her and said “hi”.
About 10 minutes later a 3-year old girl (ironically named Cameron too) came in and was feeling some abandonment after her mother left. Nicole, upon seeing her upset patted her back and said “ok, Cameron” which she, like the first Cameron, also ignored.
Now, I know the girl Cameron was distracted with emotion, but these many examples make me concerned – what if Nicole starts getting put off that other kids aren’t responding to her affection (which I see as a positive) and she stops reaching out? I realize that, like the comments from my last post clearly show, some people are more comfortable with physical touch than others and I need to respect that. It’s probably something that is a positive for Nicole to learn early. I also try to see the other side – maybe Nicole is TOO touchy and tells Cameron “hi” 8 times and hour and he’s just annoyed and therefore ignoring her which is nicer than yelling at her to leave him alone.
Jim’s response was that we continue to hug and kiss her at home. He reminded me, which made me very sad to think of, that we can’t control her interactions when we’re not with her. There’ll be kids who make fun of her at school (who would dare!?) and we can’t stop it – she has to learn on her own. I guess these lessons, while I recognize their value, are coming a bit earlier at 18 months than I thought they would…….
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14 comments:
Sounds like she will make the best big sister ever!
Sounds like time to begin teaching when it's appropriate to touch and when it's not???
Boys behaving that way (going up and stroking girls) is not acceptable in any school system. Yes, I realize school is still 3 1/2 years away.
The other kid is 5 - he's probably already perfecting his selective hearing at home when his mom calls for him to set the table but he just wants to watch cartoons.
Why sharply call out to Cameron that someone was talking to him? Why not call out to Nicole to keep her hands to herself?
I am one of those who doesn't like to be touched too often. If I don't see anyone for a long time, it's okay to kiss and hug. But here lots of people cheek-peck everytime they meet each other (could be every day!) and I don't like that. Martin's the only one to get that kind of attention.
But I wouldn't interfere (who am I to give my opinion?) in Nicole's case. She'll learn from the other kids. Isn't that what socialization is all about? Learning how to behave among other people. Therefore I agree with Jim.
Martha, since you commented i have thought a lot about your opinions. I even went to ask a co-worker with a 2 and 4 year old what they teach them in formal daycare (whether it's permitted to touch other kids or if they have to keep their hands to themselves).
her answer was that the 2-year old is like Nicole and if his attention isn't recognized the reply comment is something like "Jackson, Claire is busy right now playing, why don't you go ...". The four year old on the other hand is taught that you have to ask before you touch.
Awwwww I want to give Nicole a hug right now!
OH, and while perhaps it's not me who should be asking Cameron to respond (versus his mom or grandmother) i still think people of all ages need to learn that it's polite to respond to someone who's speaking to you.
BTW: I think it is very important to raise children with lots of love and touching. There are children/babies in orphanges around the world who have emotional disorders because they were not touched enough. I cannot think of a more important thing for the average person than being touched or hugged by another. I think/believe it is essential to our wellbeing.
Nicole is lucky to be raised in a home that values physical touch. As she gets older she will learn what is and is not appropriate in various social situations. I believe for her age, what she is doing is healthy and if the other kids do not respond to it, she will learn who she can and cannot communicate with in different ways.
I also think each child's parent should encourage/teach their child not to ignore others, whether it is another kid or adult. That's just rude.
For the first time ever, I agree with Martha. Your place would have been to tell Nicole to not bother the little boy and to keep her hands to herself. Not everyone will or has to acknowledge her. She may be the center of your universe (and rightly so) but she is not the center of everyone's universe.
For the record, we were not cringing on the inside about Nicole loving on Max. We thought it was cute. We're pretty laid back about that kind of stuff I guess. As long as Nicole is gentle, we don't mind. And Max didn't seem to mind either. :)
I just let the little 3 year old boy that lives next door cuddle next to him today. :) He couldn't stop talking about Max and how Max has a pee pee like him. It was cute. He even layed down on the floor next to him. His mom is very affectionate with him, so maybe there is a correlation.
We're both pretty loving on Max too. I hug and kiss him a lot, so we'll see if he turns out to be lovey too. I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think it's cute. :)
The little boy Cameron was watching portable DVD and so concentrated on it even ignoring other kids. I am worried about him and have to think the technology product, here is DVD does such a big impact on the young kids as well. We often see a lot of kids especially boys who are playing electronic games almost anywhere, in the line waiting to be seated at restaurants, airplane...
Should Parents Allow Kids to Play Games?
As a single guy with very little experience with kids, my first impression is you're extrapolating a bit. I.E. she's only 1.5 years old, she doesn't know much yet and she'll continue to learn and adjust. I think your heart is just breaking when she doesn't get love back, but as for long term issues, I don't think there will be any.
Nicole is super friendly which I'm sure would be a turnoff if she was older, but is cute to most people at this point. I'd agree with the assessment of your co-worker on how to handle the situation at Nic's age and then at an older age, though.
Last comment on that topic: Some kids are really friendly, and others are like my cat siggy - they're scared of new situations/new people, and need time to warm up. After that, they're really friendly & playful.
As for Cameron, DVD watching kid, it's never too soon to begin teaching children what is and is not rude and at 5 he should know better anyway. If kids in the Kindergruppe, especially the younger ones, are misbehaving or being rude, I have no problem with firmly telling them to stop as is appropriate based on their age. Asking Cameron to acknowledge that Nic was there is fine, but perhaps could've been followed-up with "it's Ok to say 'hi' but that you're busy," or something like that.
Just my opinion, being a mom of a 4.5 yo boy- my son tends to get really focused on something and tunes everything out- it's just the age. When he's focused on watching something or playing with something, he doesn't want to be interrupted. That's not to say that the boy should have been rude to Nicole- he probably didn't realize it, or is just so used to her friendliness, that he tunes it out when he's super focused on something. Not to excuse him, but that's just the age. I know it's heartbreaking to watch your child be ignored..as it is to watch them be teased, not included, etc. Unfortunately, it's something that happens with every child.
Just last week, we were in Lowes and a 2 yo came up to my son (a stranger) and got in his face and said, "Hi!!" and tried to hug him. My son just stood there not knowing what to do. The other mom probably thought my son was rude, but at that age, kids are learning physical boundaries. So while were are touchy-feely at home, in situations like that, it's not always appropriate to go up hugging strangers.
i completely agree with martha and "anonymous."
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