Parenting Advice

I hear over and over “don’t read parenting advice” but I like to be well-rounded and be exposed to ideas that are different than my own experience or intuition so I get a weekly email newsletter that I trust. This week it covered two topics that I cocked an eyebrow at: hitting and punishment. Here’s what it said:

Some children surprise with another kind of force — hitting, especially when they're frustrated. The most likely target: you. It's counter-intuitive, but this is actually a sign of trust. A 17-month-old child knows that you're a safe person to show just how upset and frustrated he can get.

Jim and I talked about this last night – Nicole has a bad habit of getting frustrated at Jim and hitting him (often in the face). She rarely hits me though and I’ve only seen her hit other kids 2-3 times ever.

I have a 1 offence tolerance for this activity. The first time she does it she gets a stern look and a firm reminder that “we do not hit”. The second time now results in a 1 minute trip to the time out step (as I have a hard time reasoning the spanking (hitting) as punishment for hitting). She knows what that step means and won’t dare get off of it though she whines the whole time. When she’s done we make her tell Daddy sorry and give him a hug (which she always does).

The kicker with this that we don’t quite understand is that even if Jim follows these steps it doesn’t mean as much. In fact, he’s noticed that there are times that she hits him and then immediately looks to see if I saw her do it. We both consistently follow the same punishment routine but it “sticks” more with me. Is it my tone? My seriousness? My refusal to even crack a smile as I watch her howl with frustration? The fact that I'm her primary caregiver and she doesn’t want to disappoint me? Not sure…

You may also notice that your child occasionally but very deliberately disobeys your orders. You say, "Please stay away from that vase," and your toddler looks right at you, reaches out, and touches the vase, or plucks a flower from it. You know he got your message, so rather than let the defiance become a big deal, experts say to simply ignore it whenever possible. In fact, it's important to try to avoid a confrontation with every little issue.

This advice doesn’t fully gel with me and I’ll admit I'm still learning as I go so maybe I'm wrong. If she does some things, like yell, that I don’t like, I can ignore her. My logic is that I don’t want to validate that her negative action deserves attention. I think this is what the babycenter.com people are getting at here too. However, when it comes to deliberate disobeying, especially on something that I want her to learn (ie you’re not to touch other people’s delicate items in their house, or you don’t put your finger into light sockets, etc.) I think she needs an actual response, not just to be ignored. I'm focusing on their last line “every little issue”- I don’t do this, I only make a stink of “important” issues (see above examples). Not sure if this is “right” or “wrong”.

AMY – I’d appreciate your weigh in here specifically!