I hear over and over “don’t read parenting advice” but I like to be well-rounded and be exposed to ideas that are different than my own experience or intuition so I get a weekly email newsletter that I trust. This week it covered two topics that I cocked an eyebrow at: hitting and punishment. Here’s what it said:
Some children surprise with another kind of force — hitting, especially when they're frustrated. The most likely target: you. It's counter-intuitive, but this is actually a sign of trust. A 17-month-old child knows that you're a safe person to show just how upset and frustrated he can get.
Jim and I talked about this last night – Nicole has a bad habit of getting frustrated at Jim and hitting him (often in the face). She rarely hits me though and I’ve only seen her hit other kids 2-3 times ever.
I have a 1 offence tolerance for this activity. The first time she does it she gets a stern look and a firm reminder that “we do not hit”. The second time now results in a 1 minute trip to the time out step (as I have a hard time reasoning the spanking (hitting) as punishment for hitting). She knows what that step means and won’t dare get off of it though she whines the whole time. When she’s done we make her tell Daddy sorry and give him a hug (which she always does).
The kicker with this that we don’t quite understand is that even if Jim follows these steps it doesn’t mean as much. In fact, he’s noticed that there are times that she hits him and then immediately looks to see if I saw her do it. We both consistently follow the same punishment routine but it “sticks” more with me. Is it my tone? My seriousness? My refusal to even crack a smile as I watch her howl with frustration? The fact that I'm her primary caregiver and she doesn’t want to disappoint me? Not sure…
You may also notice that your child occasionally but very deliberately disobeys your orders. You say, "Please stay away from that vase," and your toddler looks right at you, reaches out, and touches the vase, or plucks a flower from it. You know he got your message, so rather than let the defiance become a big deal, experts say to simply ignore it whenever possible. In fact, it's important to try to avoid a confrontation with every little issue.
This advice doesn’t fully gel with me and I’ll admit I'm still learning as I go so maybe I'm wrong. If she does some things, like yell, that I don’t like, I can ignore her. My logic is that I don’t want to validate that her negative action deserves attention. I think this is what the babycenter.com people are getting at here too. However, when it comes to deliberate disobeying, especially on something that I want her to learn (ie you’re not to touch other people’s delicate items in their house, or you don’t put your finger into light sockets, etc.) I think she needs an actual response, not just to be ignored. I'm focusing on their last line “every little issue”- I don’t do this, I only make a stink of “important” issues (see above examples). Not sure if this is “right” or “wrong”.
AMY – I’d appreciate your weigh in here specifically!
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7 comments:
It doesn't sound like Nicole is hitting Jim out of the trust thing, although I could be wrong. It seems like she thinks she has a better chance of getting away with hitting at him then she would hitting at you...
I agree with you, ignore the little things like screaming--she will learn indoor and outdoor voices soon enough, but things like deliberate disobeying as in your previous christmas tree example, I think you are right to discipline.
I totally agree on Nic being more concerned with your response to her hitting behavior because you're her primary caregiver. Think about your own parents and how you thought about them.
On the second issue, I would agree on the 'don't make an issue of every little thing' theory as you have to choose your battles, but a deliberate act of defiance is not a little thing. That's the child testing his/her boundaries, and if you let him/her get away with something unacceptable like touching a vase, or pulling an ornament off of a Christmas Tree, it's only a matter of time before you've got the kids that need Supernanny help.
I'd also add that when a small distracting thing happens repeatedly, it grows into something much larger and then it would probably also need to be addressed.
Dear Karen
I do not think there is anything wrong with reading any type of material that allows you the opportunity to think about something before you do it, however, always trust your insinticts first and foremost. I believe that only you and Jim in the long run will know what is actually best for you situation with your children, and though the material may serve as an outline for raising them, you still need to do what you think is best. When in doubt, your best resource will always be your parents. Look how both you and Jim turned out. When in doubt, ask them what they would do, especially now that you still have them. You might be suprised at the answers you will get.
Send her to Uncle Greg's house! We'll get her all straightened out. :)
I'm not a parent at all, but perhaps try positive reinfocement, like in Pavlov's experiment with the dog. (I obviously know your child is not a dog, and I hope you don't think I am associating her as such.) But, in the all-too-familiar experiment the dog reacts to positive reinforcement. Perhaps praise her when she's doing *good* behavior vs. punishing her when behaving badly? For instance, she sits in your lap quietly, remind her that it is good behavior and *we*, parents, like and reward good behavior. Soon, she'll feel pride in behaving and learn it naturally.
As far as hitting, I think she is far too young to fully understand the TRUE meaning of hitting and how hands SHOULD be used. Maybe the next time she hits Jim, have Jim act like he is really hurt? Then Nichole will see what she has done with her own hands and feel bad and experience remorse for the first time; note that she didn't like how she felt, and nip it in the butt.
Again Karen, I have NO idea how to raise your child and I am NOT offering parenting advise at all. I am only making mere suggestions. Besides tomorrow, you've got the night off!!!
XO
I think you're a great parent Karen. I watch how well Nicole listens to you and at the same time loves you so much, and it gives me hope that I can be a good parent and have a kid like that too. :)
Jenna- i don't think you think Nicole is a dog. :)
Lisa - thanks for the BIG smile!
Jenna- i don't think you think Nicole is a dog. :)
Lisa - thanks for the BIG smile!
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